It’s scary when you have creeping thoughts about drinking again. It messes with you. Even the thought of relapsing makes me want to cry; I can’t imagine what it would actually be like.
Since being discharged from the hospital, I haven’t had a great experience. I’ve had no medication, had the ambulance crew at my house, and felt so poorly. I am having withdrawals from my medication and struggling adjusting to life outside the ward.
The medical staff might be doing their best, but more often than not, things are disorganised, and they don’t seem to really care. They’re doing their jobs, I get that, but when the people who are supposed to be taking care of you don’t get it right, it can leave you feeling awful.
This feeling of frustration and helplessness can break a person who is weak and fragile like me. All I want to do right now is open a big bottle of wine and drink away my sadness. But that would be relapsing.
It also wouldn’t take away my sadness. Sadness and frustration would still be there when I sobered up, but the situation would be 10 times worse.
I know having a singular drink will just mess everything up again, because it is never “just one,” is it? I’ll be straight back in hospital. I don’t want that. If I relapse now, I could die. It sounds dramatic, but it’s true.
I’m sitting in my room, alone, with these thoughts swimming around my head…
“Just have one drink,”
“It’ll make you feel better,”
“Don’t you want to feel that again?”
Feel what?
“That feeling in your heart, of happiness, just for one night?”
No. It’s not worth it. It’s not even real.
Feeling the urge to do something that could possibly break me forever… well, it scares me.
This is one seriously hard journey, but I need to keep going, one day at a time. It’s called a journey for a reason.
If I just hold my shit together, maybe I’ll make it out alive.
So, what do we say to relapsing? Not today.
There are people I can reach out to, things I can do, and ways I can deal with the negative feelings I experience and the things I’m going through.
It’s not easy, of course. But I know my worth, and I know I’m stronger than I think. I just have to believe.
I won’t let the big scary relapse monster eat me alive. Not this time. Never again.
78 days sober today. Never looking back, only forward.
Maisy has found sobriety at 21 years old. She is the younger sister of Charlie Martina, the monthly host of the OTI young and sober podcast. The two of them support each other in their sober and mental health journeys.
Do you struggle with thoughts about drinking? Have you experienced these feelings of doubt and wanted to drink again? Comment your experiences below or get in touch with us privately.